1 Day until Transfer (or Rude Awakenings)

Hello reader, whew that last month was a really rough patch. Thanks for hanging in their with me. I called my best friend last night. I got into this huge fight with my partner, and I was feeling really isolated. It was so good to hear her voice! My isolation melted away. I had a realization while we were talking:

Every time that I say yes to another project at work. Every time I over commit myself, I am de-prioritizing my family and my relationships.

There is a balance of course, we weigh these trade-offs all the time and picking work is often healthy. However, the scales have been tipped way too much toward work and away from myself and my partner. It’s time for a reset. So, tomorrow is the transfer, and I’m going to take two days off. Then, when I return, I’m going to re-establish boundaries with my work hours. hands

Ironically enough, being infertile created the opportunity for my career to take off in ways that I never imagined. Now it’s time to be a mom though. I’m not talking about the cycle working. I’m talking about prioritizing my relationship with my partner and the creation of my family. My kids don’t exist yet (or if we end up adopting, I don’t know who they are yet), but I can still do what moms do and fight for my family. In this case, that means fight by guarding my time and relaxing.

I really think that this just might work….

Medication update:

Progesterone: I’m now taking 1cc of progesterone in oil every other day and progesterone suppositories 3 times a day. It’s been my worst progesterone experience of the four cycles I’ve done. My partner hasn’t done intermuscular injections since last year, and I’m pretty sure the nurse drew the circles too low. So, I’m dealing with really awful hip pain all day long. However, even hip pain that’s a 6/7 out of 10 throughout the day is better than suppositories. I’ve never used these in prior cycles. They are unpleasant.

For those of you new to IVF or who haven’t used them. Here’s what they’re like. Mine are a small white oval that I put into an applicator. You insert it just like a tampon. Then it’s best if you can lie down for a while or where a pad because the white tablet melts as it delivers the progesterone. It just feels yucky down there ALL THE TIME now. Just what my sex life needed: white goo everywhere that is actually a skin permeable hormone. I have to say though that the worst part is inserting them at work. So. Gross. mvimg_20171108_200143_exported_42492323143523291002220213076083639542.jpg

Estrogen: I’m on four estrogen patches every other day plus 2mg of estrogen daily. Other than my supplements, I’ve tapered off of all my anxiety medications except for the one which I will take throughout pregnancy.

Side Effects: Almost constant dizziness, nausea, working memory malfunctions, mild cramping, exhaustion, and vivid dreams. I’ve had very weird, very vivid dreams for every single night since starting the suppositories.

Watch out for an update on the transfer coming in the next day or so.

Just Enough, No More

Whew! After three weeks of 10-14 hour days including weekends, I am just a puddle. And I realized that I need to work on doing just enough. When I was in grad school, my therapist counseled me to try to get B’s not A’s. This is great advice for a perfectionist. More often than not, I stressed less and still got A’s. So now I’m trying to apply the same principal to work. I can always imagine doing more, doing better. However right now, it’s important to do just enough and no more.

Lupron update: constant and intense hot flashes, brittle nails, still feeling pretty bitchy and irritable. My partner is just done with the lupron. He’s completely out of patience for the irritability, and I don’t blame him. I am too.

FET Update: I finally have a plan! The transfer is Nov. 9! That’s T – 4 weeks & 2 days. More details to come. In the meantime, I’ve got all sorts of drugs showing up in the mail….

IMG_20171010_190757 (1) I’m starting to get super excited and hopeful again. I’m still waiting on a couple other things to get started. Cycle prep officially starts October 19. Until then, my mottos are:

  • Do just enough
  • Do whatever it takes to get through the day
  • Ask for help
  • Have compassion for myself

#Microblog Mondays: Coloring Zen… or something like that

So after my last blog, things only got more intense at work. I’ve been working from 8:30 in the morning until 10 or 11 at night, plus 6-10 hours on weekends. Yesterday, I finally just stopped. I took one fucking day off and felt guilty about it the whole time. (Have I mentioned that I have issues?)

Part of this is that my career decided to take off, just when I’m planning to have a baby, part of it is an unhealthy worry about being able to support myself, and part of it is because it’s bury myself in work or sit around ruminating about my upcoming cycle. I’m seeing my doctor on Tuesday, and won’t have any new info until then.

Lupron report: hot flashes (annoying, but bearable), hightened anxiety and hyper vigilance, decreased appetite, exhaustion, short-term memory problems, over-sensitive. Here’s a weird one. I read a forum post where someone said they got brittle nails. I was like, I wouldn’t know if I had that my nails already break a lot. As I was thinking that, I banged my hand against a chair by accident (I’m super klutzy) and my nail didn’t just break it shattered above the skin. So yeah, brittle nails. The worst side effect for me, by far, is intense flair-ups of chronic pain.

So how have I been getting through? This has been keeping me sane:

Coloring + snarky = relaxing. Somebody posted this on the Matt & Doree’s Eggcellent Adventure Facebook group. I ordered it as soon as I saw it. Thanks to MeMoments Creative for granting permission to post images and also for making such a kick-ass coloring book. It’s completely theraputic.

So here’s how I spent my Saturday decompressing:

Yes, this silly coloring trend has been keeping me from bursting into tears about all sorts of silly things. Well at least making it happen less often. I highly recommend it.