Infertility

Schrodinger’s Pregnancy

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#IVFfacts

So “Week 1” of pregnancy is technically two weeks before you even ovulate. I will be 1 week Schrodinger prego on Oct. 26 if all goes as planned. I figure most couples are two weeks away from fertilization at this point and I’ve got six day old blastocysts, so I’m already more pregnant at week 1 than them. This is one way that I cope with IVF cycles. No can know whether I’m pregnant or not, so if nothing else, I get to be pregnant for four weeks, dammit!

My meds finally arrived (with ice packs completely melted). I made a big enough stink that I got not one, but four calls from managers at UPS confirming that I received my package of medication on Monday morning.

Tomorrow morning is my suppression check. (I guess to make sure that the Lupron is suppressing my hormone levels enough?) If all goes well, I’ll be one step closer to staying on schedule.

I also have to get through an endoscopy on Friday with normal results. Apparently daily nausea caused by either eating or not eating is not normal even for someone with a hiatal hernia (which is a fairly common type of stomach hernia).

Get ready for some TMI…. In addition to having a camera shoved down my throat, I also have to drop off a stool sample at the lab in the morning. I have to use this device (see pic) to scoop it into four separate vials. Mor-ti-fy-ing. Not to mention logistically tricky. Could things my relationship get any less sexy at this point? “OK, Hon, we have to drop my shit off at the lab on the way to my transvaginal ultrasound in the morning.”

Sooooo, if all of that goes well FET prep will start this Saturday, and we’ll be off and running.

On Jealousy

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I am not shy about my baby envy, and it is ugly. I have the urge to punch women with babies in the subway. Instead, I sometimes am my worst self and give them a nasty look for no reason, and at other times I’m a not as bad self and I look away and turn up my podcast. I’ve made excuses to leave the room when co-workers bring in their newborns. I’ve skipped baby showers, and I unabashedly unfollow every single person that posts a pregnancy announcement on Facebook.

Then something new happened. A friend,  more than a friend, a person who is part of my chosen family, texted to let me know she was pregnant. Yes, I had one good cry in one of the soundproof telephone boxes at my office. But, strangely, although I was jealous and sad for myself, I was so happy for her. I was so happy that I called to share her joy and get every single detail. Instead of the urge to pull away, I wanted to take part in this joy. After that call, the jealousy melted away. It would have been ok if it didn’t, but it did. I wanted to be part of this process for this person that means so much to me, even though I knew it might be painful at times.

Then a week later, I got another text. She miscarried. I was so sad. I wanted to be there to support her in her grief (we live in different cities). But I also had a new anxiety unfold during my evening commute. I know that miscarriages are common, and most women who have them go on to have healthy pregnancies. But all I could think about was the beginning of our journey. You start out so hopeful. Then one thing goes wrong, one fairly normal thing. For us, it was just that we didn’t get pregnant month after month. You don’t know that you’re one of the ones who will have to struggle toward parenthood. Not yet. It slowly dawns on you piece by piece after tests and treatments and months slip by. My friend will probably get pregnant again soon, and I can’t wait to celebrate with her when it happens.

I don’t believe that there is a purpose when bad things happen (other than the purpose we create for ourselves). I don’t believe that life is fair or somehow cosmically balanced.  But on the evening commute all I could think about was, don’t let this turn into anything else for them. I’m already going through this struggle. I’m handling it (barely), just let me keep handling it, and spare my friend. I know the universe doesn’t work that way, so I’ll rely instead on the numbers (probability and statistics) and on the hope that I carry for myself and for her.

The Catch-up Post (Only for the curious)

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Since I began with the middle, this is the post, reader, in which I bring you up to speed on my long struggle.

Preface (a little bit of rant on my soapbox… because I can): 

I do not support the Suffering Olympics (aka. competing to see whose infertility story involves the most suffering). Everyone’s journey is their own. Every infertility sucks. Period. I simply share mine here for context and so that readers with questions can reach out. 

2014:

  • Context: I’ve been on birth control since puberty for irregular periods and pain. I take medication to manage severe anxiety and occasional bouts of depression.  I’ve had all sorts of chronic pain most of my life. I’ve never been pregnant. Partner and I are both 31.
  • I taper off my anxiety medication and have my IUD removed (Yay! We’re going to have a baby!)
  • We try for six months using ovulation test kits right out of the gate. (I’m really impatient so we were going to get this thing done as efficiently as possible.)
  • Nothing happens, so my gyno throws my first infertility drug into the mix. Clomid + timed intercourse (Yes, this is the point when sex becomes “intercourse,” ugh.)

2015:

  • We see an Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) for the first time.
  • Lots of testing: (Blood tests timed to cycle, Ultrasounds timed to cycle, HSG, Saline Sono, Genetic panels for myself & partner, Sperm analysis for partner)
  • No cause for infertility found (Maybe a partially blocked tube?) “I’m almost certain you’ll have a baby within three months,” says the RE
  • Three IUIs (Clomid + trigger) = Nothing
  • IVF #1: Fresh cycle = 4 embryos, 2 transferred = Nothing
  • IVF # 2: Fresh cycle = 4 embryos, 2 transferred = Nothing

2016

  • Now we’re broke, so lots of waiting (grrrr) while we pay off our IVF debt.
  • More tests: Abdominal ultrasound, Karyotype testing for partner and me
  • So much waiting
  • FET #1: 2 transferred. FIRST POSITIVE EVER!!! The nurse warns me that it my beta is very low and unlikely to be viable.
  • FET ends in a chemical pregnancy a week later.
  • I go back on my anxiety medication, but plan to go off of it again for the next transfer.

2017

  • IVF # 3: Fresh Cycle only = 1 embryo
  • PGS (pre-implantation genetic screening) of the 1 fresh + 2 banked embryos reveals that all three are genetically normal.
  • Back to the drawing board: we switch to a new clinic
  • My new RE thinks I have endometriosis and that it is the cause of our infertility. (Someone took my pain seriously, and we might have answers? What!!)
  • Lots of tests: More comprehensive genetic panel for partner and self, genetic counseling, uterine biopsies, hysteroscopy, abdominal MRI “with gel” (NOT recommended)
  • IVF # 4: Fresh Cycle only = 7 embryos, PGS shows 6 are genetically normal
  • Start birth control pill to prep for surgery
  • Depressive episode, add a new medication to my current anxiety med, diagnosed with Premenstrual Dysphoria Disorder (PMDD) (Just add it to the list).
  • Laproscopic Surgery: confirmed and removed endometriosis, found and removed small uterine septum, third procedure to relieve painful bladder syndrome.
  • 4 weeks of estrogen and 1 week of progesterone to support recovery from surgery

Current & Upcoming (It’s still 2017? Whew!)

  • Current:
    • daily luprolide acetate injections to suppress endometriosis growth (it also puts me into a menopausal state)
    • Taking two daily medications, plus one as needed (to help with anxiety and depression while they’re messing about with my hormones)
  • Upcoming:
    • Switch to monthly lupron injection
    • Just one more test….: 3D ultrasound
    • FET #2 is coming (November?)