Radical acceptance rests on letting go of the illusion of control and a willingness to notice and accept things as they are right now, without judging.
– Marsha Linehan
Infertility is one long exercise in letting go of the illusion of control. Reality right now, whether I like it or not, is that work is stressful. Yes, there are lots of things I can do to reduce that: practice setting boundaries on my time, buy a tens unit for my pain flairs, play video games, go on dates with my partner, take my as needed medication. I’m doing all that, but the reality is, it might reduce some of the stress momentarily, but it’s not going to make it go away. Lately, I’ve noticed that the more effort I put into “de-stressing” the more I’m getting locked into an intensifying struggle to make the stress go away. I’m not willing to leave my job. I need the income, and I love what I do. I’m not willing to put off the cycle because I’ve waited long enough and don’t want to fuck with this new plan that seems like a good thing. Oh, and I’m on lupron. So…
It’s time to accept that I’m not going to have the perfect cycle that I’d like to have in which I’m completely zen for the three months leading up to the cycle. That ship has sailed.
Here’s what I am accepting is out of my control right now, at least to some extent:
- the effect my hormones have on my emotions
- chronic pain flairs ups
- my workload and deadlines
- my partner’s stress from work and medication changes
- the number of doctors that I have to see
- alternate side parking
Here is what I can control right now:
- I can do my dishes, scoop my cat box, and get rid of the junk mail every day.
That’s what I’m focusing on. I am a total slob, but my apartment has never been cleaner because it is the on damn thing in my control right now.
All right, Reality, bring it on. I accept that I will be stressed to some extent leading up to this cycle. However, as a future parent, I have the feeling that this practice of giving up the “illusion of control” is only the beginning.